Pindigenoujly Develobed Anti Miscreant Equipment

In a bositive develobment, Pakistani dephenje scientists have 200,000 percent pindigenously develobed anti miscreant detection devijes. Thij phollows in the gloriouj phootsteps oph the pindigenous satellite develobment that made us 400 per cent better than Yindia. Theje devijes have been imborted phrom China in a joint development contract and ishtamped "Made in Pakistan", ujing ishamps aljo made in China. The devijes, manufactured by Foonk-Zundri industries in China, were bought phor cash, just like the satellite, and will help in catching miscreants in Waziristan and Swat.

The device comej in three formj. The jernailist verjion, called "Nuttybaranoia V1" consists oph a red color reciever to be worn over the head and a transparent detector to be worn over the face and can sbot RAW, CIA, Mossad, Yindoo, Yankee, Joo agints. Pakistanis, taalipaan, and patriotic terrorists are not detected or seen by theje devijes.



Zaid Hamid Demojtrating the Kanspeerajy Detection Devije in phorm of Lal topi and eye glasses. He can spot Joo, RAW, CIA, Mossad and Yindu agints everywhere.

There ij aljo a military verjion, in the phorm of a face mask which looks like a constibated baboon, called "Baghdad Bob V2" which haj better detection and can aljo detect common medical conditions oph Pakistani citijens. Thij waj demonstrated by Athar Abbas, who saw bodies, some with torture marks and some with limbs tied and a bullet in the neck and head, on the roads of Mingora and immediately said "These beepuls have died oph old age".

Athar Abbas, ujing "Baghdad Bob V2" devije and looking at mass graves in Kukarai, Daulai and Shah Dheri village. He immediately declared "these pits are not graves but in fact fields planted by the bious and gentle Pakistani army to grow more beepuls".

The civilian high sojiety verjion, haj the ability to hide all violenje, make beepuls sing rock songs and generally not give a rat's musharraf about the beepuls dying in Peshawar. Thij comes in the phorm of a wepsite called teetar and ij called the "Summer of taalipaan hash tag V3"
The "teetar verjion" oph the devije which makes beepul declare "Oh all thij taalipaan violenje is exaggeration by west, let uj all get self righteous about it. Better than pheeling sorry phor those who died"

Boetry

O sweet spontaneous
Khuspoo how often have
the doting fingers of
prurient Mullahs pinched
and poked thee

has the naughty thumb
of Fauji Aphsars prodded
thy beauty.

How often have Talips taken
thee upon their scraggy knees
squeezing and buffeting thee

True to the incomparable
couch of death thy
rhythmic lover

thou answerest them only with
a lovely bray.

AoA

Pakistan takes prinjibled ishtand on Kerry-Lugar bill

NSN Reports: In a dramatic and unexpected develobment Pakistan has taken a prinjibled ishtand on the Kerry-Lugar legislation which tribled aid to Pakistan to 7.5 Billion dollars.

Interior minister Rehman Malik said "It ij a core part of Pakistani prinjiple to take money whenever offered and demand for more. According to our prinjibles, we will take the money and do GUPO or whatever elje is asked from us. Bakistan has decided to take thij prinjibled ishtand on money and will not budge from this ishtand." Analysts hailed the Pakistani prinjibled ishtand. It might be recalled that the legislation contained crippling brovijions that went against Pakistani national conjience and interests. Some of the crippling stipulations include

1. Only upto 95% of the aid money can be looted by Pakistani boliticians and the army
   
   
2. No Pakistani citijen can hold two ranks simultaneously (above the rank of "Commander") in Pakistani Army as well as the taalipaan
   
   
3. No Pakistani Batriot should be demoted to RAA/CIA agint within 6 months
   
   
4. Substantial part of aid money (no less than 0.0001%) to be devoted to ejjucation, to produce atleast one person of double digit IQ per year
   
   
5. Pakistani Navy to be restrained from using their Frigates and other ships in waziristan mountains to fight against the taliban (and billing the US)
   
   
6. Coups to be restricted to once every ten years

Brisling at these restrictions Pakistani Ambassador to the US, Hussain Haqquani said "Bakistan will violently oppose any restrictions and conditionalities on aid. Imbosing conditionalities indicate lack of trust, like when the US did not trust bakistanis when they made biss agreements with taalipaan. Lack of baksheesh will lead to lack of educational opportunities to Pakistanis, leading to 4th std fail jihadis who do IED mubarak all over the world. Baksheesh is needed to produce 10th std pass jihadis to do the IED mubarak. What would you rather have ? Being blown up by bakistani trained unwashed, dirty bearded jihadi or blown up by bakistani trained clean shaven, jeans clad jihadi ?".

However, certain analysists pointed out that by agreeing to these conditionalities, pakistan is letting US poke one foot, thereby getting in through the back channel of Pakistan. Analyist J. Sethi said "Some of the conditions are double speak. For example, condition no 2 means that Bakistan eventually might be forced to abandon terrorism, jihad, random bombing and killing thereby striking at the core of our nationhood. What next ? Every donor country demanding that Pakistanis dont train to bomb their countries ? Thij is unacceptable"

Prominent examiner of other people's sex lives and toilet humorist Ejaz Haider said: the strategic socio political analysis of the capital based foundation of bakistani US transactional diplomatic agreements indicate....Bliss to give more baksheesh :( !! We will GUPO for baksheesh !! Elje we will send a JDAM !!! bliss to do GUPO without telling anyone to save our H&D . If you take our H&D we will send JDAM !!! Bliss to give baksheesh !!"

An exclusive interview with Rehman Malik confirmed Pakistan's principled stand

NSN: What are the next steps ?
Rehman Malik: In accordanje with Pakistani brijibles, soon we will start comblaining about how little the money ij and demand phor more. We will aljo proceed start comblaining about how Amreeka abandoned Pakistan in time of need.

NSN: The conditions include making progress on atleast one of the 10,000 terrorism cases. Things like Mumbai.
Rehman Malik: Quasaub is not Pakistani

NSN: The conditions include removing bakistani army membership from Quetta Shura
Rehman Malik: Quetta is not in Pakistan

NSN: What about Pakistani priciples ?
Rehman Malik: Prinjibles are not in Pakistan

Motion Passed on Wimmens in Barliament

In a revolutionary develobment, members of bakistani NA todin passed motion in the parl-e-ment. The motion panned all domestic violenje. Wimmens will no longer suffer in Bakistan. This new law was hailed by analysts and bakistani citijens are a huge progress towards ending wimmens suffrage in bakistan.

According to the bill, domestic violence includes — but is not limited to — ‘all intentional acts of gender-based or other physical or psychological abuse committed by an accused against women, children or other vulnerable persons, with whom the accused person is or has been in a domestic relationship’. Brime minister Gilani who said "Bliss to note, all apuse where the accused is not is a domestic relationship is not covered by the law" and said "youtupe videos cannot be ujed as evidenje". He aljo added "Squeezing ij not apuse"

Brime minister Gilani said that any wimmens who have peen abujed need only pring 4 witnesses to the court to give testimony against the man. To prevent misuje of this law, a provision has peen made whereby any wimmens who do false allegation can be stoned; except in cases where blasphemy can be proved, in which case the wimmens will be burned. To further prevent misuje, this law will not be applicable in FATA, NWFP, Azad Cashmere, Blochistan, armed phorjes in blochistan, doctor wimmens who work in blochistan, Parts of Krachi, Mohallas with Pashtun majority, Injide the farms owned by feudals, to Mullahs, Munir Akram, during brotests or taalipaan jirga handing out stribes in Swat. To brotect bakistani culture and traditional vocations, beepuls in punjab, karo kari, nanha peachy bottomed mujahids in madrassas and animal huspandry will be exempt. On being asked about the law, interior minister Rehman malik said "Animal huspandry is not covered becauje Kushpoo ij not considered to be a vulnerable berson, becauje kushpoo ij not a berson". Analysts say that thij law will strengthen the hand of gilani, becauje ten perjenti's appeal to add an exception to Sarah Palin was rebuffed.

In a reaction to this law, the bakistani association phor bractising hanaar and domejtic apuse of wimmens---which claims 400% membership of Bakistani men--quickly changed its name to Tehreek-e-beatings-e-motorma-al-kanadian-vija. The supreme court declared Tehreek-e-beatings-e-motorma-al-kanadian-vija to pe legal as only the bakistani association phor bractising hanaar and domejtic apuse of wimmens was panned. Munir Akram filed a amicus-curae briefing that diplomats, diplomatic and consulatory purposes like ijjuing travel papers and vijas were exempt from this law. Commenting on thij develobment, Madam Mazari said "Thij ij a YYY kanspeeracy to destroy our bakistani values and introduce alien concepts to us like bollywood music, civility and respect for wimmens". Ejaz Haider added "Thij is a landmark event in Bakistani polity, comprable to the rejent development of Swat Bolis wearing pants. With bolis wearing pants and abuje of wimmens law, India bakistan now equal equal". He aljo added "To the regular readers of this column: Here is todin's quota of my toilet humor: Mijjile, poo, Mijjile, Mijjile, poo joke he he".

Mushtalgia

Kopyrite-e-NSN 2009

Allah aapka bhalu kare... (moojical edishan)

Rejently, in the LMU mushy-aria rooms, the following strain baj heard by LMU Skolar Roh Ul Shukl Al Gebri, adapted phrom haraam gana of Mullah Biryani Adumj.


To reelly luv a bhalu
To undarstaand him
You've got To kno whatz deep inside (the kave)
Heear ebery screem, see ebery paw
An just giv into him when he bants To bite
An bhen joo phind yuarselph lying helpless in hij arrrrms
Joo kno joo really luuuuuuuvvved a bhalu…

(Charas:)

When joo luv a bhalu
Joo tel him he’j reely wantd
When joo luv a bhalu
Joo tel him dat he’j da von
He needj somebaaady
To tell him itz nat gonna laaaaaaast phoreber
So tel me hab joo eber reely
Reely, reely eber luuuuuuuuvvved a bhalu….

To reely luv a bhalu
To LeT him hold joo
Til joo know he needj Ashaa (dinner)
Joo gotta LeT him breeth joo
An let him tast joo
Unteel joo kan feel him in jour blaad…
Bhen joo kan see jour unphinished jeehard in hij eyej
Than joo kno joo reely luuuuuuuuvvved a bhalu...

So tel me hab joo eber reely
Reely, reely eber luuuuuuuuvvved a bhalu….

Ting, tang, tang, ting, tong, tooooong...
Reely…. Reely…. eber luuuuuuuuvvved……………………………. a bhalu

sniph, sniph...

sniph, sniph...

The End (reelly reelly)

(Klap klap)

Breaking Neuj: Diplomacy sought as a solution

NSN Islamabad (lede): LMU, Isloo, the nations premier institution on theology and AK phyrring, has condemmed today's terrorist attack on peace loving Kashmiris. LMU has also given a fatwa calling for all bears (and hirsute animals like Rehman Malik and Shrileen Mazari) as Raw, Mossad and CIA operatives. They claim that there is a Yankee-Yehudi-Yindoo (YYY Axis) conspiracyafoot. Major Jarnail Otter Abass says that there is now "concrete" proof of Indian involvement in terrorist attacks

Update 1: Reports are coming in that the Pakistan Army is trying to sign a peace teaty with all bears. Like Nobel LauratePresident Obama of USA, Pakistan President Zardari had also decided to host a bear summit. More as it breaks...

This is NSN

Two moojahids embrace shahadat

LMU Bojitive Neuj Desk, Indian Held Cashmere: Peace loving, bious freedom fighters of charity organisation Lashkur-e-Taiba, Bashir and Mohammad, who had gone phor jeehard against the koopher in kashmir, went up a hill to a cave caamplex to promate biraderly love. Before they could dijplay their superior downhill skiing skiilj, they were captured py a short, dark rice eating bear in the cave aj they went. The bear told them that they would pe punished phor coming into hij cave camplex. But pecauje they were tall, fair and tight musharaffed moojahids, they were allowed to chooj their bunishment.

The choices were GUBO or Shahadat.

Bashir waj the phirst to go, and in true brave bakistani istyle he choje GUBO. Misphortunately, the GUBO was so severe that he attained Shahadat.

Now it waj Mohammad's turn. Very mindphul oph what had happened to Bashir he decided to chooj direct Shahadat instead oph GUBO so that he would go to djannat with pride.
The pear aggreed and pronounced hij punishment

"GUBO till Shahadat"

Daan neuj also haj story

(Bith inpoots fram NSN Reborter n LMU grajooate Saguddin Peshawari)

A Lament

When eye was a nanha moojahid

looking at me khuspoo eye asked

what will eye be what will eye be

will eye be a Rakitmard, will eye

be gilly-al-gropper, will eye be 20%

que sera sera

what will be will be

da future is not ours to see

when eye was a nanha Mulla yat LMU

eye asked me mulla

what will eye try what will eye try

shall eye try soosai vesti,

shall eye try Khuspoo rearing

shall eye try GUPO

this was his wise reply

que sera sera

what will be will be

the future is not ours to see

when eye akuired me first Ayesha

eye asked her

will there be rainbow day after day

she replied

que sera sera

what will be will be

da future is not ours to see.

que sera sera

yaalla ya tow mujhe mera future bata dey

nahi tow itna lamba mijjile dey ki mai apna

GUPO khud kar loo

que sera sera.

Salam

Ode to the Land of Pure

O give me a home, where the Predators roam
Where the goats and the moo-jahids play
Where ebery man, ij a raakit mard,
And wimmens are in a boorqa all day.

Oh, give me a land in the shape of a l*nd
where a man can take a kushboo to bed
Where on every square, a mijjile ij there
painted green and red.

Home, home of the strange
Where the goats and the moo-jahids play
Where ebery man, ij a raakit mard,
And wimmens are in a boorqa all day

Decadence of the west, Morality and Jeehaard

Everyday when I switch on the tv, a constant stream of half clad bollywood danjers assault my senjes. If I change chanels to UK, Amreeki chanels, I get fully nakid gori wimmens. One cannot read Playboy or Hustlar without seeing the nakid wimmens between the interesting interviews and advice columns.

How can the youth of this country grow up to be bious and uncorrupted in this environment ? This pervasive moral decadence of the west is the reason for their scientific and technological stagnation over the past two centuries, while the bious have forged ahead with scientific, technological and economic progress. We should take utmost care to not fall into such a trap brought on by wejtern style decadence.

The jawab lies in revijting our culture. The culture of sexual decadence of western mens indulging in relationships with several wimmens should be shunned, and bious men should be faithful to all their 4 wiphes. The culture of treating wimmens as mere objects should be shunned and instead morality of wimmens should be protected by making sure they are properly covered, chaperoned at all times and married off at the right age, while taking care that too much education does not corrupt their wold view. No effort in monitoring and supervising the activities of wimmens should be spared, to prevent wimmens from being treated as mere possessions or objects. Punishing the wayward is an important part of this.

The bious mens who struggle aginst such decadent culture of the west will be rewarded in the afterlife with constant sensual pleasures of 72 virgins who carry out every wish, and are at the beck and call of their masters. The task is simple: Bious men should at all times think of sensuous pleasures (in the afterlife) to protect them from the temptation of decadence (in this life). Being tempted by sexual activities (in this life) might cause mens to commit violence (in this life). Instead mens should be tempted by sexual activities (in the after life) and declare jeehaard (in this life).

NSN Press Release: Confusion reigns in Waziristan Operations

For immediate release:

SWA, October 23 (NSN): In a bizarre incident, the Pakistani army attacked a training camp in Waziristan only to discover that they were already in charge of the facility. Reliable sources say there is considerable anguish in the army over the incident. "We were watching the Hindi movie Wake Up Sid when the attack happened," said Captain Anwar, one of the injured officers from the camp. "We have been training mujahideen for over ten years in that camp. How can they make such a mistake??"

Describing the incident, Major Junaid, one of the officers who led the charge, said that the army HQ received information about a terrorist training camp from the Americans. They quickly ordered a strike group to stage an attack on the camp. The group was preparing for fireworks very close to the site when they came across a group of tribals preparing to attack the camp with rockets.

Things went quickly downhill as the tribals got excited by looking at red handkerchiefs inexplicably tied to the rifles of all soldiers. "They obviously thought we were another militia coming to attack the camp, as we are all tall, fair and good-looking," explained Major Junaid.

Encouraged by their apparent strength in numbers, the tribals launched a frontal assault on the camp. Soldiers from inside the camp returned fire. Major Junaid and his men had to then fire in self-defence. "This was the biggest case of friendly fire there ever was," said Major Junaid.
At least 50 people died in the confusion before the situation was brought under control. Attracted by gunfire, a huge number of tribals quickly descended on the scene. "In a country of cowards people would usually disperse and hide in their homes upon hearing gunfire?" joked Major Junaid. "But we belong to a martial race. We also had difficulty in identifying who is from the army and who is a tribal - as we are all tall, fair and good-looking."

The tribals wanted a public burial for their fallen men while the army wanted the tribals to arrange funeral for the dead soldiers as well. Tribal elders had to intervene and work out a compromise. They sorted the bodies in two piles, one they named 'Martyrs of Pakistan' and the other 'Martyrs of Islam'. But then the army officers angrily tried to merge both piles saying things like "Pakistan is Islam", "two-nation theory" and "raison d'etre". This led to another clash and at least 50 more people died.

American resident in Islamabad, Janab Richard Holebrook has hailed President Zardari for the incident. "We are not aware of minor details," he said. "But the bottomline is that 100 terrorists are dead, and America is safer because of that. We have to thank President Zardari for this."

Meanwhile, Pakistan's Minister for Interior spokesman Rehman Mallik said that security forces have made significant gains in SWA in the ongoing war on terror. "The army attacked a training camp today and managed to eliminate a number of terrorists," he said. "We have identified at least 100 dead foreign militants from Chechnya and Uzbekistan."

Pakistan is a staunch ally of the United States in the war on terror. Since siding with the United States, Pakistan has handed over more than 500 Al-Qaeda terrorists to coalition forces. The international prestige of Pakistan has been soaring ever since, with a return to Commonwealth, the Major Non-NATO Ally status, liberal aid from the US and loan rescheduling from international donor agencies.

Rahe-na-Ijjat oberation reveals Shocking inphormation-- Mujlims are minority in Bakistan, Majority of Bakistan is Joos and Yindoos !

A phoren agency monitoring newjbaper reborts in bakistan haj calculated that 99.5% of Bakistanis are Joos and Yindoos. This ij expected to be confirmed in the next bakistani census which will be held immediately over the next century. It might be recalled that in the last census (in 1981) 98% of Bakistanis were muslims. Oph the remaining 1% were booked phor Plasphemy law and could not comblete the census, and the remaining 1% were unintelligible when asked becauj they were busy.

30% of bopulation, who make up almost all of Waziristan, tripal areas and NWFP, including Baitullah are Joos. This was confirmed by the army who then urged the bious bakistanis to take up arms and fight. In return, the talipaan made the shocking revelation that all of bakistani army (another 30% of bopulation) were kuffar amreeki agints (assumed to be crijtians). All of blochistan (another 20% of bopulation) was declared to be RAAaaw agints, which was revealed to yindian brime minister in a top secret dassier brepared by Prime minijter Geelani. These RAAaaw agints are secretly born in over 100,000 yindian conjulates in Aphghanistan. The dassier was so top secret that officials denied any knawlij of the dassier

The remaining 20% of bopulation, 33% are misguided mujlims who have been prainwashed (conphirmed by analyjsts and yindian beace workers), 33% are ahmadis (who are not mujlims), 33% are phrom unmentionable religion (hint: It begins with "Shee"). Oph the orginal 100%, 25% listed their brofession as soosai bambers and part time jeeehaaardis. Since Ijlaam is religion of biss, and these beepuls are not peaceful, it must be that they are not muslims. The rest of the 5% of bakistanis were made of 3% of non-state actors, who rejide in ships in bakistani nullahs and the other 2% with family name as "Quasab" are not bakistanis. This was conphirmed by a personal communique phorm minijster of posterior, Rehman Malik.

The remaining 50.3% are wimmens, and bakistan currently doej not have the technawlaji to determine their religion

Jundullah is not Bakistani - Inphormation Minister Rehman Malik

Aphter the IED mubarak in Iran, the Iranian guvrmand is having a three day meeting to decide on responje and to assess who was responjible for the plast.


However, without waiting for the statement from the Guvrmand of Iran, bakistani terrorist response team swung into action. Thij team, it may be recalled is made of (former) terroijt sympathizers entrusted with protecting the image oph bakistan after every terrorijt attack in the world. This committee released a bunch of pre-emptive statements. These statements were given to various neujbapers and TV channels to use iph necessary.


There is a video clib of Prejident Zardari who smiled and said "Jundullah is not bakistani". Thij was followed by interior minijter Rehman Malik, who said "more proof is needed to prosecute the bakistani terrorists who attacked Iran. Bleaje send another dassier". Prime minister Geelani then said "Bakistan suspects a foreign hand (cough. Iranian. cough) in the rejent load shedding injidents in Krachi". Foreign minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi said that more aid waj needed (without carry-loocar conditions) to uplift the society of bakistan to avoid such injidents in future.


Meanwhile prominent analysits swung into action. Lal-tin-topi award winner Zaid Hamid said "Iranians are secret yindoos and blochis are yehudi. The Iranian's prejidents name is "Aham-in-naahi-Jat" which is a combination of Sanskrit, English, Bihari and Sikh. It is clear a kanspeerajy is being waged against bakistan". Ejaaz Hidehere pitched in and aphter making a few toilet related jokes and double entendres said "The prosecution of modern statecraft in the post magna carta era of any nation founded on the basis of modern principles of statehood demands we create hordes of unwashed apduls who terrorize our neighbors, who then can be leveraged to demand aid money from everyone" . Bakistani ambassadaor Haqqani added "Every terrorijt is a bakistani, but not all bakistanis are terrorijts, so blease to not plame Jundullah like yindia is blaming quasaub"

Breaking news:
Iranian guvrmand declared that the nationality of the bamber cannot be determined. Common bakistani apduls are dissabbointed and vowed to wage jeehard against Iranians.

We demand Nople Brije for Frontline Al-lie Bakistan !! (without carry-loocar conditions)

Todin is a dark din (due to load shedding). Coming to practical matters, Amreeki jernail Hussain Ombaba has been given noble piss prije. What did he accomplish ?

Did he show commitment like Zulfiqr who made us all eat grass but made sure Qadeer stole the bum ? Zulfiqr's glorious achievements are hanging from a pedestal for all to see ! Did he demonstrate bersonal couraj like Begum Bhutto who refujed the bow down her head while facing a bum and chose to give up her life instead ? Did he demonstrate love of the nation like our brave jernail musharraf, who stood in the line of phyrr and refused to stop serving the nation in and out of uniform, and it took many months and effort to compel him to rest ? Did he show piety and faith like Zia who gave us a true justice system, delivering justice to any wimmens who could produce 4 witnesses ? Did he demonstrate commitment to economic advancement to do whatever it takes to bring us money like Zardari, who has brought us much more money from US than any any other country in the world (which was not invaded) ? Did he scientifically advance a nation, by showing humility to borrow the best ideas, practices and blueprints from companies and websites like Abdul Qadeer ? Did he then show magnanimity of Qadeer by spread the knowledge to everyone who asked ? Did he show the tenacity and resolve of bakistani

army, who despite repeated retreats came back again and again, and did not rest till they signed a peace treaty with the taalipaan ?

What did he actually do ? Not a single thing. The achievement of any 1 of the bakistanis above equals achievement of 8 ombabas

Our arap brothers have stolen a march over bakistanis. They have their own arafart who won the nople prije. What great injustice !

Bakistan has struggled more for the rights of oppressed people than arafart. Due to the strong and prinjibled stand, the rights of the punjabis have been protected against the marauding blochis and pashtuns by awarding punjabis their fair share of water (from the sindhis), fair share of embloyment (by embloying them in the army), their fair share of natural resources (from blochistan) and fair share of money and economic develobment (from everyone else). Suarly, pakistanis deserve a prije for protecting the right of the weak !

I probose we all declare a jeeehaaard on the nobel committee to award the next biss prize to bakistan (without carry-loocar conditions).

Added later:

A mullah brings it to my attenshun that the nopel to Ombaba waj becauj people were expecting great things from him in the future.

Well then, here is a fatwa:

JEEEHARRRRRD !!! NOBALL BRIJE FOR BILAWAL !!!!!!!!! (without carry-loocar conditions)